I Miss My Family

I have been having dreams about my family this past week. One about Matt and Cindy, one about Chris and Josh, and one about my mom. Oddly haven't had one with my dad yet.

I don't want you to think I want to reconnect with them. It's just the natural reaction of missing people once you got used to them. Family means familiarity. In the subreddit r/raisedbynarcissists, there's a term, FM, for people who try to meddle with the abused for the abusers.

FM = Flying Monkey - This is a term that most likely was inspired by "This Wizard of Oz" (as in, the Wicked Witch's Flying Monkeys). When we talk about them in the sub, we are discussing people, family, friends, etc. that are working on behalf of our abusers in order to get information (to pass on to our abusers), guilt us into continuing/resuming contact, justifying our abusers' actions, etc.

Don't be an FM and tell them I want to resume contact. I don't.

It's hard revisiting this. I feel like I'm betraying myself, but instead I'm just gonna roll with it.

One thing I miss about Chris and Josh is their fashion knowledge. I don't really have much of a fashion sense, so it was nice to quickly turn to them for types of jackets to buy, fabrics, and best brands for such and such articles of clothing.

Matt was always funny, but he also knew how to keep it real. He and Cindy were easy to talk to about how crazy the rest of my family was.

There are a lot of nerdy inside jokes I share with my brothers, mostly from the geeky TV shows and movies we watched: Flight of the Conchords, Zoolander, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Scrubs, Arrested Development, Boston Legal. I see references all over the place, think to text them, then become a little sad.

I miss my mom. Sometimes when I'd call, I'd run out of things to say to her, and there'd be long silences that I didn't know how to fill. She wouldn't be as squeamish as me though, and she'd have a whole host of questions about my well-being. I am a mama's boy, and I miss talking to her.

I miss my cousin Buu. She lives with my parents, so even though I have no beef with her, I don't really feel safe contacting her. She's strong, cute, and honest.

Again, just to be clear, this isn't a cry for help. I don't need help getting in contact with them. I still don't want to hear from them. This blog is public, and from my web traffic, it appears my extended family is reading regularly, so my immediate family already has enough tabs on me if they weren't already reading. Don't be an FM.

I'm writing this post because I have been putting off admitting these feelings for three months. As soon as I cut them out, I had immediate pangs of guilt and regret, and part of me thought that if I felt positive things about them, that would mean I was wrong to do it. It's okay and normal to miss your abusers, but knowing that fact wasn't enough for me. Finally facing it has been draining. This post is short, but it's been hard to write.

Jonathan Phan Lê @jon_le