Something I’ve been working through is writer’s block. I’ve still been journalling during a lot of the silence for my own sake, but the system I built up for blogging over the past few years has not kept up with me. I’m loathe to write about writing, but this time, it feels appropriate to do so. When I was deep in my therapy, thoughts and emotions were pouring out of my head like a dam that burst. All sorts of unprocessed experiences were catching up to me as I could no longer keep stuffing everything down that I didn’t feel like dealing with. There was a backlog to go through, new things that were happening that joined the pile, and I was setting myself up for a more comfortable life where my emotions were dealt with mostly in the moment and didn’t control my behaviour. Past, present, future. With everything gushing out all at once, it was necessary to write everything down because it helped me to analyze what was all going on by organizing my feelings.
Then in September 2018, I had to get back in the game. I wanted to work my way back up to an engineering role appropriate to my level of experience, which meant redirecting my energy from addressing my mental health. The emotional wounds were in such a state that it made sense to work on other areas in my life, such as my physical and financial health, maintaining My Survival as the ultimate end-goal. I plugged the leak on one side, so it was time to address the new ones that appeared. What this change meant for the blog was that the underlying assumptions powered my writing changed drastically, and it’s taken some time to rebuild to return to the point where I could write again.
What’s different now? My audience has changed. Since I started blogging some years ago, I left Facebook and Instagram. They were my main sources of traffic, so if you’re reading this post, you’re one of the few. I’m also going to try posting more frequently in shorter posts. The amount of work and production I had to put into past posts was a deterrent to my new emotional state. I’m now in a place where I can contain my big heavy problems, take them out when I want to, and put them away when I feel like it. That’s no small feat, but it also means posts will be smaller feats. Life is more stable and quiet now, and I’m learning to truly rest, which means emotional processing will pick up again. I’ve developed a new backlog of items to sort through, though it’s not so overwhelming this time. My war is over, so now there will be fewer big battles and more contemplation and reconciliation.
Thanks for tuning in. Talk to you soon.