Cheating

Ashley Madison was hacked today, so this blog is a confession about how I’ve been cheating on my three year resolution for the past six months. 

I declared that I would stop working on anything focused and just try to relax for three years. It coincides with Carrie’s schooling, but it’s also just good self care. However, for the better part of 2015, I’ve been working myself to the bone. Before I get to the point, let me spin you a tale.

This past weekend, some friends and I went on the Teahouse hike at Lake Louise; about 5.5 km. As an extremely lazy person, it was kind of difficult for me, but I tried not to complain too much. The weekend was Part 2 of a friend’s birthday party. You know I’m not keen on the great outdoors or generally being fit, but I pushed myself to the top where we took some selfies, held our breaths in the outhouses, and bought crappy food at the Teahouse. Then we began the descent, which, as you may know, is harder than the uphill because of the impacts on one’s joints. Hurray! We passed people taking different trails up, and some people were even rock climbing. So scary.

Imagine if I were envious of people starting their first hike while I was still coming down from mine. My resolution so far in 2015 has seen me climbing up a second hike before completing the descent from my first. I'm supposed to still be coming down from school, the wedding, and changing jobs. I declared that I was going to work on the Carrie Amp before my resolution, so I thought I would continue even though I wrote that I would stop working on anything. That hasn’t panned out so well. At the onset, I figured I could sell the PCBs online and make some passive income off of a passion project, but after two years of development on the side, nope. I justified working on it because it was fun and uplifting to my spirits, but as camping reminded me this weekend, fun takes a lot of work and planning. Carrie’s on her own journey through grad school, and I thought I could reach my own peak at the same time. This is where the analogy starts to split apart, just like the wood I was chopping this weekend. #justmanthings

Another way of looking at it, which is closer to reality, is through money. Carrie is on a venture that we need to dip into our savings for, and I’ve been trying for six months to sacrifice my own cash flow to support her investment while simultaneously spinning up my own. Idiot! As such, I put an end to my side project, and now I practice being in the moment. Each day is an adventure of practicing my morning routine of cold shower, coffee, push-ups, Bible reading, and eggs.

I used to need for people to recognize how special I was. Some would say it’s the middle child in me, but subconsciously, I push my limits and show off how wide they are. I prided myself on crushing it in life and fitting in twice as much as normies, but that arrogance took a toll on me. The Bible puts it this way:

Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind. ‘Better to have one handful with quietness than two handfuls with hard work and chasing the wind.’
— Ecclesiastes 4:4,6

If I limit myself to just my day job, I get so much time back in the day. I can clean the studio, exercise, blog, or listen to music. Now that Carrie’s super busy with her summer course, I have to be a real adult and buy groceries and cook food. A lot of what brought the Carrie Amp to life was that I was living with my parents, who took care of the groceries and cooking. Living on my own, it’s just a dumb idea to work on something like that right now.

I owe it to myself and Carrie to admit my limitations and embrace them. Being too ambitious or arrogant is burning a hole in my energy pocket, and I need to learn to listen to my body better. I’ve conditioned myself to whip my body into submission based on what my head says, but there’s a mural down the street that stops me in my tracks.

You are never a great man when you have more mind than heart.
— E.P. Beauchene

With that confession behind me, I’m going to try to just live in the moment and enjoy the next two and a half years. Let’s hang out.